Next time the government says, “We’re running out of money! We need to raise taxes!” remember this story …
“Dave, you’re gonna hate it there.” Said my next door neighbor Fred. “I worked there for 3 years and hated it. You think the red tape here is bad; wait till you see what it’s like over there.”
My family and I were over Fred’s house for a BBQ. He was a BBQ master. I was enjoying the wonderful smells of cooking burgers coming from the grill. But, the conversation was not to my liking. Fred seemed to really enjoy telling me how bad it was going to be at my next assignment.
I listened intently. As an engineer for a private company, I accepted a position to this place. I wanted to learn all about it. After listening to Fred, I wasn’t sure about my decision to move.
Fred was a government employee. He’d been in the civil service for many years. He was an engineer.
“Well, how bad is it Fred?” I asked and then silently ducked my head as if I was going to be hit with incoming mortar fire.
“Ok, let me tell ya.”
When Fred finished his explanation, I was sorry I asked. He told me about government spending – government waste – gone wild. He took the absurd out-of-control spending stories to a new level. I’d been in the military; I’d seen government waste first hand; but even for me this was new territory; a new high point in government waste; wasting our hard earned taxpayer money.
But, instead going on about how shocked I was, I’ll let you hear it as Fred told it to me.
Your tax dollars hard at work …
‘When I first got there they gave me a very peculiar task. I was part of the engineering team so when they asked me to do a manpower study, I was a bit surprised. Not sure what this had to do with engineering. I guess they asked me because I was new and would do whatever job they gave me. Also, they probably couldn’t get anyone else to do it.
‘You see, the government was looking to make some serious budget cuts and one of the biggest cost items is payroll; cutting government manpower is the easiest way to reach any downward budget goals.
‘So, here’s what I did. I went to every government work center and asked each person “What do you do?” If the person had something to do – anything – I gave them the benefit of the doubt and marked them as “required.” If someone told me they copied briefing slides on Monday – I marked them as needed. Even if this person did nothing else for the rest of the week, I’d still mark them as needed. If someone attended a meeting once a week, I gave them credit; marked them as required. I really stretched the definition of “required” so I could include as many government workers as possible. After all, nobody likes being the “hatchet man.
‘Well, even with this liberal criteria, I found 300 government employees who did absolutely nothing. They had no job; they were driftwood; they’d spend all day planning their next holiday; they were professional paycheck collectors; they could go away for 6 months on an African safari and there would be zero impact on operations. They were not needed … at all!
‘One of the most surprising parts of the survey was the honesty I encountered. Virtually every one of these “driftwood” folks weren’t shy about telling me! Most were disgruntled, but some were proud of it.
‘I reported my findings back to the committee, “You can cut 300 positions and there would be absolutely no impact to operations. You can probably add another 100 to that number and still have no impact but, I guarantee, you can cut the 300 positions I’ve identified in my report and you won’t even notice they’re gone.”
‘I felt so proud of myself. Saving the government all this money. After all, each government position is probably worth on the order of $150,000 per year when you add in all the perks and bonuses. So, I was saving these guys over $45 million a year! And, no impact to operations – what a deal – it’s a “no-brainer!”
‘But, that’s not how the committee saw it. When I finished my briefing and sat down, the committee chair announced, “Thanks Fred for your good work, but we found out the proposed cuts are not going to happen. So, everyone gets to keep their job. Our government manpower strength will remain the same.”‘
When Fred finished his story, I thought I was going to collapse. How can the government justify 300 positions where the people have nothing to do; no responsibilities; no gainful work; no useful employment?
Fred continued, “By the way Dave, this is why the red tape at that place is ridiculous. You’ve got an army of government employees that have nothing to do so a lot of them decide to “make a difference” by getting in the way of those doing the work. It’s out of control. You can’t even move a stapler from one side of your desk to the other without having a meeting, getting a permit, and having it approved by the Chief of Supply. It’s nuts.”
I shook my head. Fred could see that I was beginning to black out. A skillful conversationalist, he quickly changed the subject, “How do you want your burger Dave, medium or well done?”