The Language of Marriage

My eldest daughter Franchesca (Chez) got married yesterday.  She and her new husband Dwayne asked me to give a speech at the reception; here’s what I said …

The Language of Marriage

I’ve been married now for over 24 years and I’ve known Franchesca since she was born so I feel somewhat qualified to share a few things I’ve learned along the way.

One thing I’ve noticed is Chez has some of her mother’s traits.  Marieta’s had a big influence on Chez.

For instance, I’ll bet you didn’t know, Marieta and Chez are both sports fanatics.  And, would you believe … their top 3 favorite sports – are the same?

1:  Shopping

2:  Shopping

3:  Shopping

They’re so good a shopping; I call them my mine detectors.  That’s because the first thing they do when entering a shopping area is start pointing in all directions and chanting:  MINE, MINE, MINE!

New Language

As far as sharing a few things I’ve learned about marriage, I’d like to start off by making a suggestion – Dwayne.  I would suggest you start learning a new language.  The language of  … PAUSE … No – Not love!  The language of marriage – there’s a big difference!

Language of marriage calls for translating.  Translating from what you think is being said into what is really being said.

Are you  hungry?

I remember years ago going on long road trips and Marieta would ask, “Are you hungry?”

Not speaking the language of marriage, I’d say something like, “No, I’m fine.  Thanks for asking.”  And, then continue driving.

A short time later – especially after we passed a few eating places – I could see the steam coming out of Marieta’s ears; she was not happy.

Let’s translate; in the language of marriage, when your wife asks “Are you hungry?” is not a question – it’s a statement. … It means she’s hungry.

Now, when we’re driving down the road and Marieta says, “Are you hungry?”
I immediately pull in to the nearest food stop.

Extrapolate

You can extrapolate this concept out to other questions that may come up from time to time.  For instance,

If you’re driving down the road and you hear, “Do you need to use the restroom?”  Doesn’t matter if you just used the “loo” and you haven’t had anything to drink for the last 3 days – your job is to pull over at the very next rest stop.

If you’re working in the shed and you hear, “Is it trash day today?”  Drop what you’re doing and get the trash bin out to curb immediately.

If your wife asks, “Do you think we should put up the Christmas lights?”  Drop everything you’re doing and start putting up the Christmas lights.

You get the idea.  So, when you hear questions like …

“Do you think it’s time for a new living room set?”

Or … “Does this diamond necklace look good on me?”

You’ll know what to do.  You’ll know because you now have a better understanding of the language of marriage.

Important Word

The next idea I’d like to share is this; there’s a very important word you should learn.  It keeps you out of hot water.

The word is – “AMAZING.”

Amazing is neutral.  It doesn’t mean good or bad and that’s what makes it so handy.

It’s a word that allows you to do something very unusual in marriage and that is – you get to tell the truth and – at the same time – your wife doesn’t get upset!

Let me give you an example of when you could use it.  This is a made up example of course; it’s just an illustration.

Let’s see.

Hair Style

Let’s imagine – let’s make believe – that your wife comes home and her hair is a frazzle, standing straight up and looks like it’s been combed with an egg beater.

Well, before I started learning the language of marriage, I’d get myself in a lot of trouble for asking, “What happened to you?”

Now, I know better.  I’d just wait and let her tell me.

“Honey, I just got back from the hair salon.  I got a big discount, only $400.  How do you like my new hairstyle?”

And, this is where you say – write this down Dwyane – “Wow! Oh My! Golly Gee!” (Use these nondescript phrases until you get your bearings!) Then say with a straight face, “Dear, your new hairstyle looks absolutely … AMAZING!”

Accomplished 2 things

By saying that, you’ve accomplished two significant things. First, you told the truth – It does look amazing.  Next, after you say it your wife isn’t upset.

There you have it.  Amazing.  Use it often.  Use it generously.  Use it.  It’ll keep you out of trouble.

Favorite Place to Shop

Now, I’ve already shared with you Chez’s top 3 favorite sports – Shopping, Shopping and – what was the third one again?  OH yeah, Shopping.

But, you should also know her favorite places to shop.  Just like her Mom, Chez loves Walmart, Just like her Mom Chez  loves Louis Vuitton, and finally, just like her Mom – Chez’s number one favorite place to shop is  – Lawn Sales.

I used to have poor lawn sale etiquette.  For instance, Marieta would come home after shopping at her “favorite store” and she’d walk through the door with a – let’s say – wooden Indian chief with only one arm and half a leg.

Again, at the time I didn’t understand the language of marriage, so I would blurt out something completely inappropriate, like … “Why on earth did you buy that thing?”

Now, I know better.  Now, I offer my assistance, “Dear may I help you put away that amazing work of art?”

L of M Duty

The language of marriage says you’re responsible for taking bold, focused, and timely action.

What this means is … when you see a sign that says “Lawn Sale, Garage Sale, or Yard Sale” your duty is to get your wife there immediately so she can do some shopping.

I thought this rule – this duty – only applied when you’re in Alice Springs.  But, I found out while on holiday in Darwin and Adelaide, it also applies – unfortunately – when traveling interstate.

And then, I thought this rule only applied while within the territorial boarders of Australia but I found out while visiting Florida, it also applies – again unfortunately – worldwide.

Now, I don’t know what the future will bring, but if one day you find yourself traveling through space in a late model ,warp-speed, hyper-drive, suped-up, intergalactic Ford Falcon – with a caravan in tow– and you happen to see a sign that says, LAWN SALE – NEXT GALAXY, make sure you pull over and let Chez out to do some shopping.

If you follow these simple LAWN SALE rules, you should be fine.

Takes Time to Learn L of M

I wouldn’t worry about mastering the language of marriage all at once.  I’m still not very good at it. But, I’ve only been at it for a little over 24 years – these things take time; I’m getting better.

If you’re wondering why the language of marriage only seems to apply to men – then wonder no more.   It does.  The Language of marriage is men’s business.

And, the reason for that is simple; women have the right, the power, and the authority to say – whatever they want – whenever they want – however they want to say it!

Right Ladies?

Dwayne and Franchesca:  Wishing you both every blessing and all the best on your new adventure; your new journey; your new life together.