… performs all assigned duties at the maximum unacceptable level of incompetence.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book “The Adventures of an Air Force Medic.” It’s fiction but based on my two years as an air force medic back in the early ’80s.
PHOTO: That’s me way back in May 1983; air force medic.
Elen called me over to the nurses’ station, “Sean, come here. I want to read your latest APR, see if you like it.”
APR stands for ‘airman performance report.’ It’s your grade. Do you cut it or don’t you? But, as with all military grading systems, inflation takes over. Over time the grading becomes meaningless as everyone gets a top score. Why? Because, if you get anything less than top score, your career is over.
The APR grading ran from zero to nine, so anything less than nine is ruin. The numbered grading covered six areas as follows:
1. PERFORMANCE OF DUTY: Consider the quantity, quality and timeliness of duties performed as described in Section II.
2. HUMAN RELATIONS: Consider how well rate supports and promotes equal opportunity, shows concern and is sensitive to needs of others.
3. LEARNING ABILITY: Consider how well rate grasps instructions, communicates (oral and written), and understands principles and concepts related to the job.
4. SELF-IMPROVEMENT EFFORTS: Consider how well rate progresses in on-the-job training and in other efforts to improve technical knowledge and educational level.
5. ADAPTABILITY TO MILITARY LIFE: Consider how well rate adapts and conforms to the requirements of military duties not directly related to the job.
6. BEARING AND HEHAVIOR: Consider the degree to which ratee’s bearing and behavior on and off duty improve the image of the Air Force airman.
A final section “OVERALL EVALUATION” gave the evaluator one more opportunity to ‘grade’ the airman in question.
For Elen to call me over in a public forum at the nurses’ station to talk about my latest APR, seemed odd. Why here; why now; and why in front of all these people?
I walked over, stood in front of the counter, and Elen handed me two sheets of paper stapled together, my first APR. I quickly scanned the number ratings and got a shock. ‘Performance of Duty’ showed a ‘three’ and a ‘two’, the first score given to me by Elen, the second by the ‘1st Indorser’ Captain Stan Day the medical ward officer in charge. As I looked down the sheet, the numbers didn’t get any better. I reached rock bottom at ‘Adaptability to Military Life’ where I achieved two ‘zeros.’ My ‘Overall Evaluation’ came in at ‘two.’
I didn’t know how to react. I began to wonder, ‘Must be some kind of joke. I’ve heard over and over again that everyone gets ‘nines’ unless you’re brain dead. And, all feedback suggests I’m doing well, how can I be getting hammered like this? Makes no sense.’
Then the cracks began to surface. I guess the shocked look on my face told Elen to let me in on it. Laughter broke out as Elen blurted, “Give me that, let me read it to you. I want everyone to hear this. OK folks, listen up. This is Airman Mitchell’s APR, it’s a doozie.”
I settled back for the show. Elen wanted to have a laugh on my behalf. I figured it’s the biggest compliment she could give me; going to the trouble of writing up a comedy skit on my behalf.
Elen read the ‘Rater’s Comments,’ the part she wrote …
“AIC Mitchell performs all assigned duties at the maximum unacceptable level of incompetence. The physicians and nurses run screaming out of the rooms tearing their hair out by the handfuls whenever he attempts to assist them. His human relations are his greatest asset and this information was obtained from the local VD clinic. His learning ability is progressing and is now at the level of a trained earthworm. AIC Mitchell has attempted some forms of self-improvement. At my recommendation he finally enrolled in English as a second language given by the immigration department and is now able to speak four words of English. He was scheduled to have a complete face transplant but after eight complete operating teams became seriously ill with the unexplained vomiting and vision problems AIC Mitchell decided to cancel his surgery. (More than one plastic surgeon was overheard saying that he did not think that anyone could look like that and still breathe.) When counselled on his military behavior, AIC Mitchell did ask, what was the military? I recommend that AIC Mitchell be assigned somewhere where his talents will be utilized to the maximum extent: IE: a subterranean vault, a mine shaft, electro shock therapy, cadaver, shark bait.”
Then Elen read Captain Day’s ‘1st Indorser’s Commments’ …
“When AIC Mitchell first reported for duty the entire staff volunteered to have their eyes removed. AIC Mitchell is at his best when lying on the floor face down. We have revised his job description and he is only allowed to care for patients who are totally blind.”
Elen continued, reading the ‘2nd Indorser’s Comments’ written by the ward clerk, Mrs. Jean Sherrok …
“At present AIC Mitchell could possibly be used as a mannequin demonstrating the gas mask. Another possibility is to grind him up and use the remains to kill weeds.”
Finally, Elen prefaced the ‘3rd Indorser’s Comments’ saying, “Our third Indorser is none other than the OSI, let me read you what they have to say about Airman Mitchell and his performance.”
OSI stands for the Office of Special Investigation and is kind of like the air force equivalent of the CIA.
Elen proceeded to read out loud what the ‘OSI’ had to say about me, “At present AIC Mitchell is possibly a new chemical warfare agent being tested by the soviets. Another possibility is that he is a twentieth century re-creation of medusa. Please exercise extreme caution when within five miles of the subject.”
As I absorbed the hysterical laughter coming from the thoroughly entertained audience, I looked over at the document and saw the signatures. Elen signed her block ‘Elen Baby,’ Captain Day signed his ‘Stanny Day,’ and Jean signed ‘Big Jean.’ The duty title for the OSI block showed ‘Big Brother,’ a reference to George Orwell’s book ‘1984.’
Elen sought out feedback, “Well Sean, got anything to say for yourself?”
I thought back to the time she jumped all over my breakfast for writing up a goofy midnight checklist. I figured now’s as good a time as any to get back at her. ‘Heck, why not? Everybody’s laughing, she’s in a good mood; I just might get away with it.’
So, here’s what I said, “Tell you what Elen. After reading this APR the only conclusion I can draw is this – you have way too much time on your hands. Captain Day, can you please give Elen more work to do, she’s bored.”
I ducked – mentally. But, in an instant I got the ‘all-clear’ as laughter broke out. And Elen lead the charge laughing loudest. It worked.
Elen spoke up, “Yeah, we had a blast putting this thing together. I thought I was being rough on you until Jean and Captain Day got involved, they were way more brutal than me.
“I tell you, it was so much fun writing up this thing. As bad as it is, I’ve had some people who deserve something this bad. Complete losers, should have been tossed out of the air force, spend all my time keeping them in line, always getting in trouble and never doing their job. But, you can’t write a bad APR, not allowed. When you write up an honest APR, the staff rejects it; send it back saying ‘can’t say those things, can’t rate someone that low.’ You rate someone that low it means they’re going to Leavenworth. To get a rating below ‘seven’ you got to kill someone; be on trial for murder, that’s how messed up it is. It’s a crazy system. Everyone gets ‘nines’ whether they deserve it or not. System’s got to change. Otherwise it’s a waste of time. Why bother writing these reports if everyone’s a star? Waste of time and effort.”
I observed the gathered audience members nodding in agreement with Elen’s assessment of the air force grading system.
