As with any good military regulation, it’s got nothing to do with reality.
This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, working title “The Adventures of an Air Force Medic.” I’m enjoying the writing process and from time to time want to share some stories.
In this story I talk about the crazy ‘heating and cooling’ policy we had in the hospital dormitory (barracks). Leandro is my roommate; Larry a fellow dorm rat. They’re introduced earlier in the book …
Photo: That’s me circa 1982 in my hospital dormitory room just before heading off for midnight chow.
The hospital dormitory had an interesting heating and cooling policy. It must have come from high up in the chain of command, dreamed up by a group of professional bureaucrats. Otherwise the policy wouldn’t make any sense.
And, here’s why, the policy made no sense. You can’t make up stupidity on this scale; it’s pure genius. Must have been the result of many taxpayer funded studies and hours and hours of high level educated experts charging high rates of pay and huge expense accounts to come up with something this ridiculous.
But, it provided us with some laughs. One in particular comes to mind.
First, let me explain the hospital dormitory heating and cooling policy. I’ll let you hear it straight from the dorm manager as he explained it to me, ‘We turn the air conditioning off based on the calendar. The regulation tells us the date. On that date we turn off the air conditioner. We don’t turn on the heat until sometime in December. I forget the date but it’s all spelled out in the regulation.’
We got into this conversation because a lot of the hospital dormitory residents wondered, ‘How come the arctic air conditioning is still blasting away when it’s cold outside? The sweltering Sacramento summer is over, long gone, so why is the air-conditioner still on?’ It makes no sense, but the dorm manager happily gave us the answer, ‘It’s the policy. The dormitory regulation dictates when the air conditioning gets turned off.’ As with any good military regulation, it’s got nothing to do with reality. As such, the hospital dormitory heating and cooling regulation had nothing to do with the weather. The only thing that matters is what the regulation says. Follow it, don’t question it.
One evening after work I returned to the dorm, opened the door to my room and Larry Hayes, my fellow dorm rat from Bayonne New Jersey, greeted me. There’s nothing unusual about Larry being in our room, but something didn’t add up. What gave me concern is the way he dressed. He stood before me wearing full military fatigues, field jacket buttoned up tight, black military ski cap and field jacket hood laced up under his chin. I found it strange and amusing, especially when I looked down and noticed he had no shoes, just thick black military issue socks.
Then I looked left inside the room and observed Leandro sitting on the bed. Leandro sitting on the bed is – normal; Leandro wearing the same odd-ball outfit as Larry – not normal. Except for the missing foot gear, they looked like a couple of mountain climbers ready to tackle Everest.
Curious minds want to know, so I looked at Larry and said, “What-da-ya, goin to work?”
Larry stepped around me to leave the room; then blurted out, “Going to work? Are you kidding? I’m going to bed!”
I turned to Leandro, looking for some assistance in erasing the question mark written all over my face.
Leandro explained, “They got the air conditioner on full blast, it’s freezing in here. It’s colder inside than it is outside. We’re dressed for bed. You better bundle up too or you’ll freeze in this ice box.”
We endured a few more evenings of extreme interior dormitory cold before the regulation allowed for turning off the air conditioning.
Don’t worry, six or so months later we ‘baked in our beds’ as the flame throwing dormitory heater blasted away even though the searing, sweltering Sacramento summer arrived ahead of when the regulation said it should.
