I’ve been doing this gag for years; haven’t got it wrong yet!
This is an excerpt from my book, ‘The Adventures of an Air Force Medic.” It’s based on my two years as an air force medic in northern California back in the early ’80s.
SSgt. Elen Takahashi carried a lot of clout on the medical ward. She held the title non-commissioned officer in charge (NCOIC), making her the official boss of all the medical ward technicians. Unofficially, everyone understood she had ‘boss’ status even over the doctors and nurses. She ruled the medical ward. As such, everyone wanted to get on her good side, or she could make life rough.
Elen had many ways to demonstrate her power. One in particular involved welcoming new doctors and nurses to the ward. Every once in a while one new doctor or nurse would get selected out of the herd for slaughter. Elen’s welcome created distress for the new person. I had the fortune to witness it one day.
“Sean, come quick! Elen’s going to do her thing. Get over here,” said second-in-command Sgt Kylie Jones in a yelling whisper and associated arm waiving movements. I walked briskly over to the nurses’ station and stopped about one step behind and to the right of Elen. Elen stood against the counter while a dozen sets of eyes gazed at her and the same number of ears listened to her every word.
Among the crowd of onlookers, one person didn’t fit, he looked odd. You see, instead of paying attention to Elen, Dr. Dervin had his head buried in a patient’s chart, writing away as if completing a college exam essay; total focus on his work, diligently logging important medical information. The contrast between the hard working doctor and everyone else created its own comedy – the unsuspecting lamb among the conniving wolves.
Yes, Dr. Dervin attended the show. Although he had no idea he’d be starring in it. I observed as he stood on tippy toes, arms lifted to reach the counter surface, writing in the metal jacket chart book, oblivious to the danger ahead.
Elen talked as her spellbound audience listened, “Damn, I forget to label these urine samples. Not sure who’s-who here. Let me see, normally, female urine is darker, so this one is probably Mrs. Baker’s but then again, it could be Mr. Smith’s. I’m not sure. I should have labelled them but I got so busy, I forgot.” As she talked, Elen focused her eyes on the two urine samples resting on the counter inside closed plastic cups. She spoke as if talking to herself; as if unaware of the adoring audience watching her one person stage show.
Then a devoted audience member – one of the young military nurses – joined the play asking, “Elen, how are you going to tell which one is which. You gotta get it right. You don’t want the tests results for the wrong patient.”
“You’re right,” Elen replied, “I have to be positive, gotta be sure.” Then she grabbed one of the samples, opened the lid, smelled the contents and stated, “Hmm, could be Mrs. Baker’s but I’m not one hundred percent certain.”
When Elen put the sample to her nose, she attracted a new audience member, Dr. Dervin. He quit his role as disinterested bystander. He stopped writing. Instead, he looked up and became one of the most attentive audience members. Have you ever seen the expression of a kid going down the first hill on the roller coaster? Well, that’s how Dr. Dervin looked.
Elen put the lid back on the first sample and grabbed the other sample opening the lid and sniffing it like you would an expensive wine. “Yeah, I’m almost positive this is Mr. Smith’s, it smells right, it’s got the right texture, color, I’m ninety nine percent sure of it.” She lifted the plastic cup half-filled with yellow liquid and held it up to the bright light above the nurse’s station saying, “Yeah, I’m positive this is Mr. Smith’s but there’s really only one way to be one hundred percent sure …”
While she spoke, Elen lowered her arms bringing the urine cup down to head level. Then she gracefully placed the cup against her lower lip and rifled her head backwards gulping down the contents.
I did a double take. I knew Elen had some rough edges, but not this rough. She went all bizarre on me. I didn’t know what to make of it, so I continued playing my observer role, see what happens next.
Someone called out, “Oh No!” Turning my head towards the sound, I watched Dr. Dervin drop. The two nurses on either side grabbed him, breaking his fall. The scene is chiseled into my memory. Two nurses holding Dr. Dervin’s collapsed body below the nurses’ station. His knees bent like a slalom skier who missed the turn and crashed into the barrier.
The two nurses gently lifted Dr. Dervin off the medical ward floor. In an instant, he regained his bearing; the instant he heard the crazy, uncontrolled, bellowing laughter and lively, excited, high spirited banter, “Did you see his face? Good catch gals, he dropped like a wet sack of potatoes! Is he alright? You really got him Elen! Welcome to the medical ward Dr. Dervin!”
I felt a lot better when Elen explained the gag, “It’s OK Dr. Dervin, I do that for all the new staff. It’s just apple juice. We’re just having some fun. I don’t really drink pee.”
Dr. Dervin’s recovery involved some humble pie. He didn’t enjoy his ‘welcome to the ward’ show. As he spoke, I could sense the lingering embarrassment, “Very funny folks. I’ve seen crazy hospital humor stunts but that got me; you guys got me. When I saw her down that urine cup, I lost it. I thought, ‘I’m working with a bunch of lunatics.’ Normally, I roll with it but yes, that got me. You had me going. For a minute there, I thought I was working in the loony bin.”
The gathered nurses, doctors and med techs laughed, hooted and howled. One nurse, between laughs, called out into the noise, “Hey Elen, what if you got it wrong? What if you picked the wrong one and drank the urine sample instead of the apple juice?”
Elen quipped, “You’d never know. If I picked the wrong cup, I’d gulp it down like it was the apple juice and none of you would ever know. But, I’ve been doing this gag for years and haven’t got it wrong yet; don’t plan to either.”
Image by Jason Taix from Pixabay
